Study suggests miserable people make the best employees

In a move that will likely send shockwaves through credit unions everywhere, this morning the global creativity and innovation think-tank, ThinkTank, released their long-anticipated study on workplace misery.

“We’re very proud of this study,” said global VP of Marketing Abigail Kus, who goes by Abi for short. “I think the data is pretty clear on some things, and you know what they say – numbers don’t lie.”

The study, which was conducted over six minutes in the employee break area at First Community Neighbors Choice Community Federal Community Credit Union last Thursday afternoon, suggests some pretty startling things. Most notable of the findings is that miserable employees tend to make the very best employees, according to the high performers surveyed in the break area.

“I’d count myself as one of our top performers and brand advocates, yes,” opined the noticeably downtrodden Carl Cranktowski. “But I hate working here. It sucks,” he was quick to add.

Call center employee, Erica Ebbenfloe, chimed in as well. “Yeah, I basically phone it in every day, so it’s pretty amazing that I’m such a high performer. I hate coming to work, and I think that translates really well into my interactions with our customers.”

Erica went on.

“I even had a customer recently tell me that it seemed obvious to them that I could care less, which is true. I could care less. Not much less, but still less.”

Others in the break area exhibited similar passion around the FCNCCFCCU brand. One employee, who will remain nameless because the researcher didn’t bother asking for his name, responded with a gesture that can only be construed to mean that he thought FCNCCFCCU was #1.

These findings led Abi Kus to count this as yet another successful study in human behavior within a corporate context.

“Yes, we feel really good about this study, because it shows that feeling good isn’t indicative of, well, anything really. The miserable employees we interviewed confirmed that they were, in fact, high-performing brand advocates. We believe this should provide hope for companies everywhere filled with miserable employees.”

No other employees cared enough to comment.